The countdown is on!!! I have less than 2 weeks to go now, and each day that gets closer I encounter a flurry of emotions. Thankfully, above all of the anticipation and anxiety I have such a peace that passes all understanding... The Lord has definitely given me this peace and I am so grateful! I know a lot of you have been praying for me in this area and I really appreciate it. I also thank you for keeping this in mind as the time leads up to my departure. It's not going to be easy to say goodbye to you all, but I trust that the peace I have deep in my heart will ease the pain.
As I've been gearing up to go lately, I've been thinking a lot about life plans. Deeper hopes that I have in mind for the future, that may not seem so realistic anymore, at least not for now. And I have realized that I have to let a lot of these plans go... I love to be a few steps ahead and anticipate what's next and dream... One dream in particular I share with my best friends Darcie and Vicki. We often get talking about having our own little apartment someday with stylish decor and hosting dinner parties together. We even buy each other gifts on special occasions to go in our future apartment! Just thinking about it makes me smile. I have other dreams too - dreams to travel, dreams to get married, dreams to buy a convertible... I guess some are more realistic than others! ;)
But this commitment I've made to teach in Haiti turns a new page. The plans and hopes that I dream about here in Ontario must be put on hold, and only the Lord knows for how long. And this gives me an unsettled feeling in my stomach... I'm not in control. I often catch myself worrying about what will become of these plans... What if they never happen? Should I stop dreaming?
I feel like the Lord has been working on me in this area lately... My constant desire to be ten steps ahead doesn't seem as worthwhile (or possible) anymore. I just have to live one day at a time. The truth is, I have no idea what is going to become of me, or my dreams...
I read a quote from my new friend Rachel (who directs the orphanage programs at the Mission of Hope), and it gives me a fresh perspective:
If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.
- Henry David Thoreau
- Henry David Thoreau
No doubt, it scares me to think that these hopes of apartments and cars and travels and marriage may not come to pass, at least not in my timing. And yet, I am compelled to trust and step to the drummer that I hear, even when everything around me is pushing in the opposite direction. And it's like I'm in a tug of war, giving up my plans and then tugging them back again... It's so hard to let go, but it's the only way. Because if I play it safe, or live to please my dreams here and now, I will never be truly fulfilled. No matter what temporary joy comes from these dreams, it will never compare to the joy that I will experience when I am in the sweet spot. And as I pursue the will of my Father and delight myself in His presence, I claim the promise that He will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). My true desires.
I've realized how nice and easy it would seem to be to travel along with the current, but how soon would my life become stagnant and complacent. If I stay in this place in order to secure and control my future plans, my life will die. I have to keep stretching myself and pressing on in order to stay real and alive.
So who knows what will happen? Who can say what is to come tomorrow, next week - month - year? But for now, I pray that I may live for today. Live for the simple gifts of love and friendship and family... It's these moments that I miss while I am worrying about what's next.
With this in mind, I choose to trust and believe that as the Lord takes me on this journey, He will provide what I need in His perfect timing... Thank you Jesus that you know the plans that you have for me and that they are for good and not for disaster... Your plans are to give me a hope and a future (Jer. 29:11). Help me to trust you with my plans.